The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.
—Albert Camus
Parks & Wreck-Creation!: Elderly Couple Wreaks Havoc on Oak Park
I apologize in advanced for the extremely misleading headline, but as the saying goes: “your perception is your reality” and in my head, this sort of headline will better my chances of the literary gods taking this opportunity to insure some-sort of foreshadowing in hopes to spite me…Which would undoubtedly RULE on all accounts. But anyway, I’ve recently moved to a new town next to a little plark that is usually infested with mangy-looking children and the local group of wanna be “hoodlums” (or so it seems from a passing-by… I have yet to step foot into this park [1]). Amidst the usual park activities, a particular older [2] couple, giving no fucks about the surrounding shenanigans, walked innocently hand-in-hand like a metronome if it could be set to 10 bpm… I noticed them while passing the park on my usual wine-walk to the riverfront only because they seemed unarguably really old/really in love. However, their mundane activity did not stand out as much as their early morning antics I witnessed days later on my way to work… This same couple, who seemed to barely be moving along the sidewalk days earlier, were scaling the fucking playset! I shit you not! The gentleman was standing on the top level of the tower holding his hand out for the old woman who was slowly, yet surely, climbing the barred ladder to make it to the top! FUCKING NUTS! So today, I’m driving to work and I glance at the park and see this wonder-couple yet again up to no good! This time the old lady was crouched down, garden shovel in hand, while the old man stood there slightly crouched with his hand on her shoulder holding a metal detector! I can only imagine what they were up to![3] This fucking adorable, billion-year-old-couple all adventurous and in LOVE like a youthful fresh couple… I DONT FUCKING BUY IT! So keep your eyes out for this mischievous couple of geezers…they may try to warm your heart, but perhaps what they are really after, are your lost bottle caps.
[1] However, a few nights ago I drunkenly attempted and failed within a whole 4 minutes to climb the water tower located on the outskirts of the park.
[2] Think cretaceous period give or take a billion years
[3] NO FUCKING GOOD, That’s for goddamn certain!
Today’s HOLY SHIT!!
*Beavers used the be the size of fuckin BEARS!
*About 75 acres of pizza are eaten EVERYDAY in America!
*I only scored a 42 in bowling this week!
*Alligators can run up to 34 MPH on land!
Security Spotlight: An interview with Unit 15
”I PEE IN THE SHOWER ALL THE TIME!”: All the dirt on so-called “Unit 15“…A Shocking Interview!
UNIT 15 grew up in the rolling hills of Canton, Ohio spending summers with his mother & father. Little did they know, July 12, 1985 would be the peak of 15’s innocence! Twenty-five years later…Where is he now?? This Interview will prove the kind of monster he has now become!
“I pee in the shower all the Time!” Unit 15 screams at me amdist the artworks in the gallery. Shocked & confused I asked him to keep his voice down. ”I did NOT have sex with Monica Lewinsky, but I did have sex with a Monica and a “Lou”…but not at the same time!” He goes on to tell me he “unknowingly” made out with his fourth cousin once and admits he wants to arm wrestle me! Feeling very uncomfortable, I asked him to talk a little bit about his co-workers. He arrogantly proclaimed that he could outrun his fellow employees depending on who he was racing, and what was being ran to. In disbelief I questioned how many cheese balls he thinks he could eat in one sitting. 15 states confidently that EIGHT HUNDRED would probably be his limit… Sensing his nonchalant attitude, I quickly changed the subject to a more serious tone. I asked 15 who he’d like to spend a day in the shoes of and he answered “Bill Murray”… who wouldn’t? So I thought of a more difficult question and his quick answer to this made my knees go numb with horror. ”Which,” I inquired, “would you rather do: …A shot of George Clooney’s diarrhea, or a shot of hobo jizz?” Thinking 15 would be thrown off by the question, he surprised me and smugly asnwered “Both! …I do the shot of Clooney poop followed by the hobo jizz as a chaser…I’d hate to be on my death bed thinking I had made the wrong decision…and hey, you only live once!” Wow. I did not know here if I was inspired or disgusted, but I do know this must be something 15 thinks about frequently! Needless to say, despite the “cool guy” attitude and killer dance moves, Unit 15 should not be trusted with your cheeseballs, let alone your hobo…
NEXT WEEK: The Secret Life of Unit 12! Grad School?? More like “BadASS SkOOL”!
Hero of the Week!:
This weeks Hero is Glenn Jambor!
*Ex-english teacher
*Full-Time Art Security Extrodinare!
*Lifetime BADASS!
He gave me last Sunday off work WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING! And I had an awesome time! AND I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I DID! But it ruled. Thanks, Glenn Jambor! Thanks for kicking ass!
Daily Horoscope:
It doesn’t matter what sign you are: TODAY IS GUNNA RULE!
Advice from Kaley:
-People often as me: “Kaley, what’s the secret to life?…Why are you so awesome when life is so shitty?” And I tell them “Because I just dont give a fuck!” But really, I give lots of fucks….the secret is knowing WHEN to give fucks…
-If you wanna wear your shirt backwards and your skate shoes without socks…FUCKIN’ DO IT! Don’t let your mom tell you “no”. She’s not that boss of you!!! And don’t your boss tell you “no”! HE AIN’T YER MOM! And especially don’t let them get together because you’re probably going to have to put on socks and fix your shirt or you’ll get grounded and fired at the same time and have to look like a MORON like everyone else!…SO DON’T LET IT HAPPEN!
-Dumpster diving is all fun and games until someone drowns or get rabies.
* send me your questions & I’ll give you advice! turnerkaley@gmail.com
The Daily Drunk:
-If you haven’t tried the new “Ruby Redbird” by Shiner you are missing out, my man!
-This week I got drunk with Thomas’ MOM & puked a bunch of RedWine. YUCK!
-Also, if you haven’t tried Maui Blanc Pineapple wine, Don’t get yerself hooked! It’s IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND!
BREAKING NEWS: PUPPY PATROL!
You guys! I think I am gunna get a puppy! Probably a golden retriever. I have one as a neighbor & it’s so fucking cute that I want one of my own to play with & shit. They are pretty expensive though. Hopefully I’ll be good at taking care of it. But it’s gunna be a shitton of work. It’s going to have a badass name and probably the best personality on the planet. And it’ll totally be better than YOUR dog! I’ll keep you updated. Right now I am still researching. I don’t wanna get a stupid one or one with a bad attitude.
